I have not suffered from Post Natal Depression (PND) but a have a few friends who have gone through the journey of motherhood with the dark cloud of depression hanging over them. It can be hard enough adjusting to a new person in the house but when depression is added to the experience it must be almost unbearable.
A friend of mine recently agreed to share her story of PND on Mummy’s Undeserved Blessings in the hope that it will help others who may be suffering depression, and to give others an insight into what mums with PND go through.
Here is her story:
I am 27 years old.
I have a loving & supportive husband and
an energetic toddler.
I am surrounded by
family & friends.
I am also a survivor of post natal
depression.
PND is not something I would have ever
thought would happen to me. I knew that
my mum had struggled after my brother was born, but that had been a fairly traumatic
birth and I had no history myself of any form of depression. I figured there was no reason I would be
susceptible. My son Thomas was planned
and very much wanted, but for most of my pregnancy I had a recurring feeling of
dread and anxiety that I could not shake.
Once he was born things got much worse. Apart from being very quick, Thomas’ birth
was uneventful. It didn’t feel beautiful
or spiritual, there was no instant surge of love other mothers had spoken about
when they first see their baby…. my first thought was actually more along the
lines of get this thing off me, I need a
shower! As time went on I felt no
real bond for the little person my husband and I had brought home. I fed him and bathed him and changed his
nappies, but I didn’t feel like his mother, I took no joy in holding him, and at
times felt a sense of loss and resentment for all the things I had ‘given up’. I stopped praying, not because I blamed God
but because I couldn’t imagine that he’d want to listen to someone as horrible
as me who couldn’t love the beautiful gift he had given me (it’s a good thing
he never gives up on us!)
There were two really scary moments for me. The first was early on, sitting on my lounge
at 2.00 am, struggling to feed a sleepy 3 week old. For a number of nights in a row I had really
vivid images running through my head of letting Thomas roll off my lap onto the
hard tiles, I saw his tiny head hit the floor and was struck by how simple it
would be to just end this thing that I had gotten myself into. At the time I think I put this down to sleep
deprivation, it wasn’t until a few months later when I was reading Brooke Shield’s
book Down Came the Rain, in which she
describes similar daydreams that I began to think maybe this was not something
all new mothers thought about.
The second was driving along Gunghalin
drive with Thomas asleep in his carseat, and having an (almost) uncontrollable
urge to ram my car into the concrete wall which runs along the AIS fields. Even as I was thinking this and forcing my
hands to stay steady on the steering wheel I remember being terrified at the
lengths I was prepared to go to, to escape. This
was not me and it was not normal.
I spent hours reading information online
and although I was still not ready to admit that what I had might be post natal
depression, I did agree at my husband’s persistence to speak to someone. One of my biggest barriers to seeking help was
that I did not feel as though I was justified in having PND. According to the fact sheets I read; I had
all the symptoms but none of the risk factors.
If mothers with sick babies, absent partners or money troubles could
cope then what did I have to complain about? Surely I just needed to suck it
up! I held onto this for a while, I kept
looking at lists of risk factors trying to find an explanation for why this had
happened to me.
When I finally saw someone the overwhelming
feeling was one of relief, at finally being able to tell someone my story, and
also at the response I got. The
psychologist I saw (and continue to see) is fantastic, she specialises in peri-natal
depression and was able to give me some of the reasons I had been looking
for. She depersonalised a lot of my
thoughts and feelings, explaining them using the science of the brain and how
humans are programmed to deal with stresses.
She didn’t see anything wrong with the fact that I had not fallen
instantly in love with my baby, had I loved my husband the first time I had met
him? No, it took months of spending time
with him and getting to know the sort of person he was – why would it be any
different for anyone else in my life? I learnt
that the loss I was feeling was common, I was grieving for a life I had, in
some ways, left behind. I was in a role
transition stage of my life and that always brings with it challenges and
feelings of discomfort. I learnt tools and
strategies to deal with these and get myself back on track.
I went back to work (my own choice) when
Thomas was 5 months old, and as I settled back into a job I have always loved I
began to see that not everything had changed; there was plenty of my old life
which could fit into my new role. I do
not feel guilty about going to work because I know it makes me a better
mother. My work, combined with the love of my family, lots
of prayer, mild medication and regular exercise have all helped me to get back
to the real me. I am not only a mother;
I am a wife, a teacher, a friend, a daughter & sister… I am also my own
person and this means I do motherhood the way that works for me and my family,
not necessarily the way people tell you it ‘should’ be done. Having a baby is not my greatest
accomplishment, but I have to admit that at the moment it’s pretty good. I love watching my boy explore his world as
he develops into his own little person.
He has an enormous personality and a lust for life which regularly
astounds my husband and me. It may have
taken some time, but I can say with total sincerity that I love my son to bits!
I am
not an expert on post natal depression.
I have gone through my own journey; I read lots and talked lots with
people who are experts. But that does not mean I have the answers, I
am only an expert on my journey and my recovery. If you are someone struggling with similar
feelings and concerns the number one thing I can advise is to speak to
someone. The biggest mistake I made was
pretending everything was ok; I was an expert at covering up, a lot of my
friends would probably be surprised to know this was even something I struggled
with. At the risk of sounding clichéd, SPEAK
UP …. Beyond Blue runs a brilliant campaign encouraging just that, check it out
at http://justspeakup.com.au/
