Mummy's Undeserved Blessings: Are you listening or just hearing?

So many times I have accused my husband of not listening to me. Earlier in our marriage he would say “I am listening. You said......” and he would rattle off exactly what I had said. Even though he knew what I had said, I still felt he wasn’t listening. Later in our marriage (after having this same disagreement over and over again) we figured out that what I really needed was him to give me his full attention when I was saying something important. He was hearing me, but what I needed was him to listen to me.

I think listening is one of the most important skills a person can have. When you listen to a person, and I mean really listen, that person feels valuable and loved. Have you ever been in a conversation where a person is looking across the room as you speak? Or they are looking at their phone? Or my absolute favourite...the person that gets distracted in the middle of your conversation and then never lets you finish what you are saying. I find it really hurtful when this happens. Even if the person does not mean it, their actions are telling me “What you are saying is not important enough for me to listen to”.

You don't need to get your friends to lie on the couch to open up to you

Because of these experiences, I have made it a personal goal of mine to make sure I am not that person who doesn’t listen. Of course I often fail at this (mostly when I am on the internet as my hubby and kids could tell you) but there are a few things I have picked up in my Psychology degree and in other counselling courses that I try to use to show people that what they are saying is important to me. I have found that by using these skills people really open up to me and I can form friendships with people more quickly then I would have otherwise.

The first is about body language.It is an easy to remember acronym, S.O.L.E.R. which stand for:

Squarely face the person
Open your posture
Lean towards the sender
Eye contact maintained
Relax while attending

Another technique I try to use when I am listening is paraphrasing. It involves restating, in fewer words what person is saying. It helps to check that you are understanding what they are saying and often leads to the person revealing more to you because they feel that you really understand them. When trying this technique, look for what you think the content of the person’s message is.

For example if I friend says to you “Life is just crazy at the moment, the house is never clean and I feel like don’t spend any quality time with the kids”

You could say “It sounds like you have heaps going on at the moment and you can’t make you kids and house work a priority” (It would sound less false when it is in your own words..written examples are just to give you the idea).

Another technique I like is, reflection of feeling. It is similar to paraphrasing but also helps to show you understand what the person is feeling and allows the person to hear their emotions put into words from someone else’s perspective. This also allows the person to continue to open up and feel their feelings are really being listened to.

Using the same example you could reflect the feelings by saying “It seems to me that you are feeling really overwhelmed with it all and a little guilty that you can’t spend as much time with the kids as you would like” Of course, what you paraphrase or reflect might not be what the person is feeling but the good thing is that by reflecting back to them it allows the person to correct you and they are likely to continue opening up to you.

These are just a few very simple changes you can make to help you listen to those around you. I find them far better than just staying silent and nodding (which lots of people think is listening). When someone is silent I start to wonder what they are thinking and imagine it is negative and they are judging me. I am therefore less likely to open up.

Have a try of these techniques this week and let me know how you go.