Finding Support (& Friends) Online with Trying to Have a Baby

I remember when I was trying to conceive our first child, Emily, and struggling with miscarriages and the idea that we may not be able to have children I. It was made more difficult because we  didn’t want a whole lot of people to know we were trying to have a baby but I really needed to talk to someone about what I was going through.

I did have my husband, family members and friends who were supporting me but no one actually knew what I was going through and I didn’t want to annoy them every day with my worries.

One day when I was turning to Dr Google for advice I came across a website called Bellybelly.com.au. I found that there were various groups based on where you were at with your trying to conceive (TTC). I initially joined a group called TTC after miscarriage or loss and found I was warmly welcomed by a lovely group of ladies who had also suffered miscarriages and were looking for support as they continued along to rocky path of TTC.

I quickly picked up the lingo referring to my period as AF (Aunt Flo), writing POAS (Pee on a stick = Pregnancy test), calling my hubby DH (Dear Husband) and discussing or CM (Cervial Mucus) during the TWW (Two Week Wait).

With the help of my bellybelly.com.au girls I was able to share my fears, pick up hints on understanding my fertility and develop friendships with people I may not have otherwise met. We laughed with each other, we cried with each other, we cursed evil AF when she arrived and cheered when a second line appeared on a POAS test. It was heart breaking to hear that one of us miscarried again but we would regularly send someone off to the group we all wanted to join..the Belly Buddies group where pregnant mums with bubs due around the same date could chat about their pregnancies.

After Emily was born I kept up with a couple of the girls who are still facebook friends and it has been lovely to see their babies growing up. I didn’t join a group with Claire but with Alicia I decided to join as I had a big bleed and some abnormal scans and just felt that I need the support.

I am so glad that I did join up this time around. My Belly Buddies from my pregnancy with Alicia have been such a great support. With our babies are now nearing seven months old we are still keeping in contact via a facebook group where we can still share struggles, successes, photos, impulse buys and just about anything else that is on our minds. Some of us are mums three times over and others are new mums, but no one claims to know it all we are all battling through.

I was recently able to meet up in person with one of the girls from my group. She lives in Canberra and we were able to meet up for scones and tea. She was so lovely and we are planning to catch up again soon.

I have not been asked by anyone to post this I just wanted to share something that was great for me. If you are pregnant or trying to have a baby it is really worth checking out belly belly to gain support from like minded people.

Have you ever joined an internet forum group? Did you have a positive experience?

Grief and Grace: An Interview with Amanda Axelby

Following on from my post on miscarriage today I am posting an interview with Amanda Axelby Author of Grief and Grace: A Journey through Pregnancy Loss. She is also one of the many wonderful women who I go to church with and also a women who I look up to as a model of godly wife and mother.  

Amanda, thanks for agreeing to be interviewed on Mummy’s Undeserved Blessings. I have recently shared my experiences of miscarriage on my blog and wanted to have you share a little of your story. Our society really struggles with talking about loss and death and I think it is so important we share our stories and the things we have learned along the way. Sharing our stories can help others feel they are not alone and also help those who have not experienced loss be able to better understand those of us who have.

I have just recently finished reading you book Grief and Grace and while it was definitely not an easy read it was one of those books that changes you after reading it.  From the very beginning of the book I was moved by you honest descriptions of the events that occurred in losing Grace. While I will never fully understand what you went through, you allowed me into your world to gain a deeper understanding of what you felt. 

Can you firstly tell us a little about yourself and your family?

I originally come from the Gold Coast, but have lived in the Canberra region now for 24 years.  I am married to, John, and am a stay-at-home mum of eleven living children.

Can you share with us a little about the loss of your baby, Grace?

After a pretty traumatic birth, Grace was born still at 38 weeks.  I remember the silence was almost suffocating.  I wanted to hear her cry.  I wanted to feel her breathe.  I held her warm, limp body close to mine.  She looked as though she were only sleeping and if I just closed my eyes I could pretend it was a bad dream.  When I awoke she would be alive.

The hospital staff encouraged us to spend time with her as we would a living baby.  John bathed her and we dressed her together, placing her singlet on first, then the dress; we carefully positioned her still feet into the booties, and finally a bonnet to cover her fuzzy, ginger hair.  I held her tiny hand in mine and felt how soft she was, and how cold.  My instinct was to cover her to keep her warm, but for her that didn’t matter.  Newborns should be warm.  How can a mother leave her baby cold?  I wasn’t prepared for her body to change so quickly.  I just wanted her to stay in my arms forever.

The day we left the hospital I passed other mothers still pregnant as they came in to have their babies.  I too came through those doors with a babe inside—I left, empty and without her.  Her absence changed everything.  I could see her in the empty baby seat as we travelled—she should have been in that seat.  At home I felt her presence everywhere; in the bassinette, her little clothes in the drawers, or the absence of them in the wash.  Sometimes I thought I heard a baby cry and felt the need to rush out to her.

After carrying Grace for nine months my body cried out for her.  Those natural feelings of wanting to nurture and care for my baby were overpowering.  When the milk flowed I could almost hear her snuffle and nuzzle as she fed.  Leaking breasts were a constant reminder of my empty arms.  When I stopped feeling any letdown reflexes almost two weeks after the birth, I cried.  It was my last connection with the baby.  My body began to forget what my mind could not.

Though surrounded by people, I felt incredibly alone.

We share a faith in God and in his salvation through Jesus Christ. Can you tell me how having this faith helped you to cope with your loss?

Although I felt alone, I had Someone who was always there.  Jesus never said the wrong thing or tried to rush me through the grieving process.  He didn’t make light of my pain.  Knowing He, too, suffered and was acquainted with grief, helped me to trust Him more.  I felt that I knew Him a little better.  I remember a particularly dark time for me when I felt depressed, not wanting to get out of bed.  I prayed that I had no more strength left in me, if things were to change; only He could do it.  For the first time in months a feeling of joy washed over me.  He gave me the will to keep going. 

One of the biggest things I got out of reading your book was an insight into what someone who is grieving feels. I mentioned in my post on miscarriage some of the unhelpful things people said that were intended as comfort. Can you share with us what things are not helpful to say/do when helping people who are grieving and also some things that you found to be comforting?

When someone is grieving there is not much anyone can say to make them feel better.  However, in saying that, there are some things that may help:

I am sorry for your loss.  You must be in so much pain.

I know what an important member of your family she is, and she will be missed terribly.

I don’t know what to say.  I’m sorry.

Tell me about your baby.  What was she like?  Who do you think the baby looked like?

The following words will most definitely cause pain to a grieving parent: You have other children

You can always have more children (though not many people said that to us)

You shouldn’t have more children

There was probably something wrong with the baby, so it was for the best

At least you have children; some women have none

Is there anything else that you would want people to know about loss and grief?

Grief comes to all people at some stage in their lives.  If not directly maybe you know someone who has been bereaved.  It may not be a baby; it could be you know someone who has lost an older child, a husband or wife, a brother or sister.  No matter what the age of the person who has died, the grieving will need sensitivity and compassion.  It is always worthwhile to learn how to relate  in a compassionate way with someone in pain. 

For those who are interested in finding out more about Amanda’s story her book Grief and Grace: A Journey through Pregnancy Loss is available through Koorong Christian bookstores for $21.95 +P&H. Chapters in this book include: Our Story, Other Families' Stories, Home schooling in the Midst of Grief, Scriptural Comfort, Help for Grieving Families, How Family and Friends Can Help and Funeral Help.  You can also like her facebook page Grief and Grace.

My story: Dealing with Miscarriage and Fears of Infertility.

This week I will be focusing on miscarriage and loss as I think it is so important to talk about these issues rather than just pretend they don’t happen. As I have had personal experience with miscarriage I thought I would start by sharing the story of my journey through miscarriage and fears of infertility.

We  had been married for around 18 months when we starting thinking about the right time for us to start a family. Tim was studying full–time at Bible College and I was working full-time so we knew it may be financially difficult but we also knew that we did not want finances to dictate when we started our family. We could not see any real reason not to start trying so we decided to go for it. I had started taking the pill a few months before we were married and stopped a few months before we were ready to start trying in the hope that it would be of my system by the time we were ready.

We tried the first month and my period returned which we guessed was pretty normal, then the second and the third with no success. In hindsight three months is not very long but during this time my friends seems to “accidentally” fall pregnant and here was I still waiting. 

To our absolute delight I was little late the fourth month and a pregnancy test confirmed (with a very faint line) that we were pregnant. We were over the moon with excitement. We went to the doctor that afternoon to confirm the pregnancy and came home and told all our families and some friends the exciting news. That was the Sunday afternoon and I headed off to work on Monday with a big smile on my face and excited plans in my heart for this little person which was growing inside me. On the Wednesday I was at work and went to the toilet to find a slight amount of spotting and my heart sank. I read every book and looked up the internet to see what it might mean but nothing could tell me whether my baby would be ok. The spotting increased and I also had an ultrasound (where the people were super rude to me asking why I was even there so early) which showed no evidence of a pregnancy. It later turned into a miscarriage which was also confirmed by blood test results.

We were heartbroken, our baby was only a few days over 5 weeks old and we had only known for 5 days but we had already invested into this pregnancy and to us it was more than a collection of cells it was our baby. I remember just laying on the bed crying, wondering why it happened. Was there something wrong with my body? Did I do something wrong? So many thoughts went through my head but the hardest part was knowing that our little person had died and we were no closer to holding a baby in our arms. We also found telling our friends and family difficult and we got a range of different responses. One of the worst was someone telling me that “if we hadn’t been so on the ball with it, we might not have even known”. That comment hurt me because it made me feel like I had no right to grieve as it was so early, that I should not have even known I was pregnant.  Other unhelpful comments were those which dismissed the pain I was feeling such as “it was probably for the best”, “there was obviously something wrong”. I just wanted people to say it really sucks doesn’t it and give me a hug.

Another four long months passed and my cycles were confusing and I was not sure what was going on. We tried using an ovulation kit but later found a website called fertility friend where I could determine my ovulation by taking my temperature and recording other signs. I did find this helpful (when I was not obsessing over it) and it was able to tell me (without the need for a pregnancy test) that I was pregnant again. We went to the doctor as I was already spotting a little bit and a blood test again confirmed that we had miscarried again. 

After this happening twice at a similar stage, I began to become more convinced that something was wrong. Would we ever be able to carry a baby to term? I convinced the doctor to send us to a fertility specialist who gave us both tests and everything came up clear and he said to us that we were likely to look back in a few years and have lots of little people running around. He was a wonderful doctor and we felt comforted by the fact that there was no obvious reason why it was happening.

We continued trying for just over three months with no success. It was coming up to a year since we started trying and we were both exhausted from the trying, the waiting and the disappointment. I remember it was the day after Mother’s Day in 2008. I thought I may be pregnant but we had not been taking temps so it was hard to tell. I did a test and it came back negative so I was again feeling the disappointment of another month passing. I went to work that day feeling pretty low. Part way through the day a girl I sat next two pulled her chair in closer and told me that she needed to tell me something. She knew we very having trouble conceiving but knew she had to tell me that she was 9 week pregnant before it became public. I know she found it hard to say and I appreciated her being concerned for me but it was still hard to hear. That night I came home and told Tim how hard my day was while he was caring for me and comforting me the phone rang. It was his sister, she was calling to tell us they had fallen pregnant (She also struggled to tell us as she knew how hard it would be and was very considerate and caring towards us). I was so happy for them but I was also devastated it just seemed so unfair. They had not even been trying and had been blessed with a baby and we a year later were still waiting and still feeling the pain of two miscarriages. I was at my lowest point ever. I wondered if life was worth living. I was angry with God and knew that his plan may not been for me to have children and I hated the idea of that.  

A couple of days later my period still had not arrived and so we decided to get a blood test which amazingly confirmed there was a little person inside me. It was an easy pregnancy as I was not sick and had no other issues but the whole time I was so fearful that something would go wrong. We did have some spotting at six weeks but it came to nothing and in January 2009 after a super long but absolutely amazing labour our beautiful Emily was born.

Our Emily..worth the wait

We will never forget the pain we felt following our miscarriages as I do believe that there are two little souls hanging out with Jesus until we are united again. I look forward to meeting them and thanking them for even the tiny amount of time they spend with me. Sometimes I feel like it was silly to be so upset by miscarriages that occurred so early but I wrote this post to say that it is painful no matter what stage it occurs as the desire to have children is there, as is the pain of knowing that you will never hold that child in your arms (and potentially may never have a child at all).

I wish I had never experienced miscarriage but I know that God has used me so many times to talk to and comfort others who are experiencing infertility and loss. It has also opened my eyes for the need to be praying for these people. For the past two years I have been praying almost daily for a couple (along with a list of others) who were struggling for six years to fall pregnant. What a joy it was to hear recently that they are in the second trimester and everything is going wonderfully. God heard the many people praying for them and blessed them with a child. However sadly, sometimes despite faithful prayers and hopeful Christian couples wanting to have children it may not be in God’s plan which I can only imagine would be heartbreaking.

I hope that by sharing my story I have been able to help someone reading this who has struggled with miscarriage. Please also share this post other others who may benefit from reading it. If you yourself have not suffered a miscarriage then be thankful but also be mindful of what you say to those who have. Acknowledge their pain, let them talk about it and be careful with your words. 

Deb from Aspiring Mum also has experienced miscarriage and the loss of a baby. Her post on her experience also gives some really good ideas on caring for people. It is worth checking out.

Please also read my upcoming guest post from Amanda Axelby author of Grief and Grace: A Journey through Pregnancy Loss