Making the Most of Your Marriage

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post called "The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants" and I had a great response  At the end of the post (and on facebook) I asked what your hot tips for looking after your marriage were. The tips were so good that I decided to dedicate a whole blog post to it.

I have been married for 8 years (and 1 month) and I am still learning how to be married. Sometimes it is really fun and easy. Other times it is just plain hard work. Even when it is hard work, it is still worth all the effort. Even in my short time of being married I have learned a few things that I think help marriages (at least mine) stay strong. My top tips are:

• Find hobbies that you enjoy doing together. We like running, eating out and cooking together, going for bush walks (rare now we have kids) and holidaying  (especially camping).
• Find time each day to talk to each other about things other than the business of running a home and caring for kids.
• Sex is an important part of your relationship and it is good to make time for it regularly.
• Don't hold onto hurts, talk about it, forgive each other and let it go.

I'm sure I could think of lots more but I will hand over to my lovely readers who left these comments:

Fiona from Imogens angels said "My hot tip is to talk to each other, actually know what is happening in each others life's. Show an interest!. My husband and me have been together for over 10 years and there is no way we would be together if didn't allow the time each day to talk and listen to each other"

Lynda from All About Muma"this false Greco/Roman notion of 'Romantic love' where you have no control over your actions that is promoted in almost every TV show/movie has been responsible for ruining so many marriages. It makes me really mad. It is not a trendy notion but marriage does take work - affirming life giving words to one another, forgiveness, listening, spending time together, accepting the others faults. It's worth it - there is nothing better than a good, solid marriage :-)"

Deb from Aspiring Mum " I would have to say communication, praying together and respect are what have helped us stay together. If there's no respect, it can cause so many problems. Also learning to be selfless - not always easy, but there is no room for selfishness if a marriage is to work."

Hayley from Happy Housewifey said "The "I'm not in love with you anymore" line really annoys me, and I cringe when I hear it. 
Love is a choice & action, not a feeling. " She also wrote this great post on the topic A Student of Your Spouse
Mrs BC  from mrsbcshouseofchaossaid "I think the secret is to be committed to your marriage, not your love - love ebbs and flows, and sometimes it is a bit thin on the ground"

Jess from Essentially Jess said "One thing I do, is make sure I don't develop strong relationships with other men. It's ok to be friends but there has to be a line, because I've seen emotional affairs happen far too quickly and easily"

 Bec from The Plumbette said "The grass is never greener on the other side when you have an affair. The ripple effect affects family and friends."

Julie from The Useful Box said "I try to think daily (or at least regularly) about all the wonderful things about my husband and how perfect he is (for me!)"

 Janet from Redland City Living said "Love is first of all, a VERB, a doing word. Secondly I believe when it come to marriage it is a CHOICE, to keep loving that person."

Jane  said "If you're talking affairs, more than anything boundaries is the key. You can have a 'good' marriage, date nights, whatever but if one person doesn't understand boundaries, by which I mean that there is NO such thing as just friends, don't be alone with anyone of the opposite sex --EVER, unless they are a family member, even having a business lunch -- Do not do it. Your spouse should have the passwords to your Facebook, email etc. the grass is greener is a lie of the devil and he is cunning. "

Jeanie in Paradise said "I think it is important that you share some common goals and values with your husband. Communicate, and know at base that BOTH of you are committed to making the union one that reflects the blessings"

Trish from My Little Drummer Boys said "I started doing the LOVE DARE to help strengthen my marriage of 23yrs. "

 Sophie  from iSophie said "Communication is key. And basic morals actually, we all know right from wrong after all don't we? Having a common interest or showing avid active interest in your spouses' interest goes along way in strengthening a relationship I find"

Mark from My Gungahlin said "A friend said his grandparents tip was they had to kiss goodnight every night. This meant they wouldn't go to bed angry/upset with the other or each other.

Karen said "Don't try to change them! You fell in love with them as they were, not how you want them to be"


Thanks everyone for these great tips. 










Linking up today with Essentially Jess for:

Are You Going to Patrick's Funeral?

I have a funeral to go to tonight. Yes, I know Dr Patrick Reid doesn't actually exist but I am  getting that real sense of dread that I get when I have a funeral to attend. In some ways I wish that Offspring finished completely last week and that we didn't have to go through the funeral. I know there are lots of loose ends to tie up with the season, but all I can think of is how hard that funeral is going to be to watch.




It isn't just that I have become too hooked on Offspring. It is also about what having to watch a funeral brings up. It makes me remember those I have lost, and it also makes me imagine what it would feel like to lose someone so close to me. Because of these reasons, I think I am going to struggle through Offspring tonight...I am even tempted not to watch (but of course I will).

As I was writing this, I clicked onto Facebook and found this article about a women  whose husband died suddenly. I wasn't even going to write about this but I really do have a fear that I will lose my hubby. Mainly because I have a way too active imagination (kind of like Nina) and he doesn't have a great family history. I don't think about it all the time but I do wonder how I would cope.

When I was pregnant I often had those crazy dreams that my hubby died (or left me, or wouldn't marry me). I feared having to give birth without him by my side. I now fear having to raise the girls alone, or not having that one person that gets me, accepts me and loves me. They are not massive fears, just something I think about from time to time. I know from seeing so many brave women continue on after a loss that I would be fine, broken, but fine. I hope and pray that it isn't something I have to experience.

Tonight, I know that I'm going to sob like a baby, because death is really sad. Even though it is just a TV show these things can and do happen every day. 

However, once it is over (and even during it) I am going to hold onto my hubby as tight as I can, and enjoy the time I have with him.

Will you be watching tonight?

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

I am a little ashamed to admit I was watching Days of our Lives last week. During the show I heard one of the characters saying "The heart wants what the heart wants" in reference to her poor relationship choices. It was a line that has really stuck with me this week.

Of course, it was said in a trashy TV show where everyone is sleeping with everyone else, but when I thought about it I realised that it is a common way of thinking. We often hear these words or similar words like "Follow your heart", "You can't help who you fall in love with".  As I thought about these words during the week I began to think about how dangerous these words can be, particularly in marriage.

It would be lovely to think that once you are married, you never find anyone else attractive but all the evidence around us proves this wrong. Sadly, our hearts can deceive us into thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. If we always followed our hearts, or allowed ourselves to believe that the heart wants what the heart wants, imagine where that would get us (just watch one episode of Days of our lives).

As my husband is a minister, we have had the privilege of doing some marriage preparation recently with two couples in our church. It has really made me reflect on how precious marriage is and how important it is to work at it. Too often, I see marriages fall apart because it gets too hard or because they feel like they have fallen out of love with each other (and maybe feel they are in love with someone else).

I cannot speak for every situation but today I want to encourage married people (and people who may be married in the future) not to follow their hearts or their feelings when it comes to a person outside their marriage.  I have a fabulous marriage to a man who I am still very attracted to but I would be lying of I said I am never attracted to other people. However instead of allowing myself to believe that the heart wants what the heart wants, I work hard to see any of those type of thoughts as lies. It will NOT make me happier, or be more fun with another person. In fact, it WILL lead to much more pain (for everyone) and lots of sadness. It will never be worth it. NEVER.

A while ago, I mentioned on my facebook page that there was a recent post on the Imperfect Mum facebook page which had the story of a woman who was bored of her marriage and was attracted to another man at work. I actually expected to see comments such as "You need to follow your heart" or "You deserved to have love" but instead there was comments like "Get out of that workplace", "Try having date nights with your hubby" and lots of other really positive comments. The comments that she got really gave her encouragement to work at her marriage. It was wonderful to see.

It is so important to surround yourself with people who will encourage you to work on your marriage. I know that all my friends have the best interests of my marriage at heart when I talk to them about my hubby. I also have great friends who I know I could go to if I was struggling with temptation and they would not let me believe the lies of my heart and I can, and have done the same for them.

In a world filled with broken relationships, I want my marriage to stand the test of time. Everyday I make a choice to continue to love my husband. Even when it is hard and even when the grass looks greener somewhere else. 

What are your hot tips for keeping a marriage strong?

I Lived in Sin for Six Weeks

Today is my 8th wedding anniversary. It seems like only yesterday that I walked down the aisle of our church and married the man that I love. I was going to get all soppy and tell you how much I love my hubby but I thought it would be more interesting to share a funny story from when we were married.

Our wedding day was much like any other wedding. We exchanged vows, exchanged rings and signed a couple of pieces of paper. We left the church, enjoyed our fabulous wedding reception and went off on our honeymoon in the Maldives.

Little did we know....we were actually not married at all.

After returning from our honeymoon, we started our married life (or so we thought). It soon came time to pick up or marriage certificate so we could go about changing names. We contacted Births, Death and Marriages only to be told there was no record of our marriage. This seemed odd as were were pretty sure we got married. A few phone calls to the minister who married us revealed there really was no marriage certificate. Somehow on the day, we signed the church book, our copy of the certificate but we didn't actually sign the legal documents. We were not legally married!!!

The happy unmarried couple

We quickly gathered some witnesses and headed to the home office of our minister. We entered the dark and dingy room and huddled around the paperwork, quickly signing our names in the hope that we could be married and no one would ever know our dark secret. Ok that was just be being dramatic (although in my memory it did seem a little dodgy). It was only six weeks late and with different witnesses from the ones you will see in the photos but at least we were finally legally married.

Of course, despite not being married in the eyes of the law, we knew we were always married in the eyes of God. I joke about us living in sin (only because I think it is funny) but we were never actually concerned about it. Our wedding day was pretty perfect to us. This story only makes it more fun.

We look so young!

My hubby is now responsible for marrying people at our church. Now he is very careful to make sure married couples sign ALL the paperwork.

Do you have a funny wedding story to share?

Are You Sharing TOO Much With Your Partner?

I have heard it said so many times that if you tell a married person something you must expect that they will tell their husband/wife. That has never sat well with me but I could never put my finger on exactly why until I read this article which a friend (Dave) wrote on his blog about confidentiality between spouses.

I shared the article on my personal Facebook page and one of my friends, who is single, responded. She said that as a single person, she has found it hard knowing that the things she shares with her friends are passed on to their husbands. It sounds like all of her friends have lovely husbands but I imagine my friend would hold back on sharing some things with her married friends because of the open sharing with the spouse.

image credit

So how much should you share? In his article on confidentiality between spouses, Dave states that:

"Marriages shouldn’t have secrets. You should never promise that you won’t tell your wife/husband. People who reveal private and personal details to you should know that those details could go to your spouse

But “could” is the operative word there. I’d be wary of the couple who say they “must” tell each other everything. Couples should only share other people’s private issues if they think it will be really helpful for the person involved to have their spouse’s perspective."


We have no secrets in our marriage.  I am terrible at keeping my own secrets. I can't even hide a shopping purchase from my hubby. However, when it comes to other people's information it is a very different situation. I have strong opinions about what is and isn't gossip and in my opinion, sharing some information with my hubby borders on gossip.

In my situation (as the minister's wife), I often have people coming to me to chat about personal things. Even talking with my friends, I hear many things about people's lives that are deeply personal and things that they have chosen to share with me because they trust me. In some cases, I will share with my hubby what has been spoken about but generally only in the following situations:

•  If the person has asked me to get his opinion.
•  If it was something that was really burdening me and I needed to debrief with someone (in this case I would always tell the person that I needed to share it with my hubby).
•  If it was already common knowledge (i.e. on Facebook, others already knew, etc).
• If it was a person within our church community and it would impact how he cares for that person/ their family (again, I will tell the person first before I shared it with hubby).
•  If it had to do with my marriage, my children and or me personally.

Of course their may be other reasons to share (and I am not perfect and have at times shared more than I should) but the main point is that I want to be a safe person for people I care for. I don't want them to hold back from telling me things because they can't trust me to keep their information safe. I want them to know that I take their personal information seriously and it is not something that my hubby and I giggle about over the dinner table.

I know in his role, my hubby hears many personal things about people too. Lots of it I would rather not know (as it can change my opinion of people) so he doesn't share it unless I need to know. We like it that way, and it allows us to talk about other things that build our marriage and our friendship).

I know lots of people may disagree with me, but at least take the time to think about it. If you want to be the person that people can confide in, think about how much you share with your partner (for your friend's sake and your partner's).

Do you agree that some things SHOULDN'T be shared with your partner?




Linking up for IBOT with Essentially Jess

Pretending That Everything is OK

On the weekend I sat in a cafe with a friend. We ordered yummy cakes and sat down to chat about what had been happening in our lives for the past two weeks.

I let her tell me things that had been going on in her life and I shared a little bit about our trip to Fiji and the conversation went on from there. Towards the end of the conversation she looked me in the eyes and said "You know you can tell me anything" (or something along those lines). Suddenly, I couldn't hold back the tears and I knew I could not get away with pretending everything was ok.

Previously in the conversation she had said to me that she often looks at me and thinks I have it all together. I guess it can seem like that. I have a happy marriage, happy kids, I study, I blog and I do all the things I need to at church. I am a pretty positive person, so I try not to complain too much about things. Her comment surprised me because I had held the opinion of myself that I am honest about my struggles. The whole reason for starting this blog was to share my struggles and be honest about where I fail to appreciate the blessings in my life. Her comment made me realise that in the past couple of months I had not been honest about what I was going through.

We really had a great time, but some of the time I just felt lonely

I think being the minister's wife is a position that can be difficult to balance. On one hand you want to be a good role model to peers and those who you lead. However on the other hand, it is vitally important that you are honest about the struggles you are having because that is actually a good model of how to live.

In recent weeks I had forgotten the second part. Something had changed inside of me and I knew I didn't want anyone to know. I had become discontent with my life, I was feeling lonely, I was feeling old and unlovable and I was trying to find fulfillment with the wrong things.

As I am pretty transparent, my closer friends could see something wasn't right but there was no way I was going to tell them the thoughts that were  going through my head. 

I'm not sure if you believe Satan exists but I do and there was an almost audible voice in my head telling me that I could never tell anyone. I thought I could handle it myself and things would get better. Things didn't get better, things got worse. Only ever in my head, but the discontentment was so strong.

Things had improved slightly before I met with my friend in the cafe. One night, not being able to hold it in anymore I confessed my struggles to a friend. She had encouraged me to talk to my husband and in doing that I immediately felted the burden lift. Somehow the thoughts lost their power. However, it was not long until I started to slowly spiral down again. This time though I was too ashamed to say that I was going through the same thing again. So I kept it to myself.

It was only in the cafe that what was going on in my head bubbled to the surface again, and while we might not have gone into details, letting a good friend see that I wasn't going so well was really helpful. My friend convinced me that I needed to talk to my husband again and I did.

It has only been in the last week (and after more conversations with my amazingly loving and supportive husband) have I felt I am myself again.  I am enjoying life and getting back into my relationship with God (because of course I didn't really want His input into my situation at the time).

Why do I share this with you? Well, because my friend (from the cafe) made me realise that I do create a picture of a perfect life. I honestly don't mean to but sometimes it is easier than sharing what is really going on. It is not always important to go into details, but telling some you are not coping is so important (and sometimes you need to tell them more than once).

Hopefully it can help even one person to see the benefits of telling others what is going on instead of trying to manage it yourself. Even if you have done something really stupid, don't keep it bottled up. Find a trusted friend or your partner and get some support. Or if it is really bad call Lifeline or a counselling service.

You are never too bad or too far from forgiveness.

Is there something that you are holding onto that you need to talk about?

Why We Don't Celebrate Valentine's Day

I thought today I would share with you the reason why my husband and I don't celebrate Valentine's day. From the moment I started dating my husband, Valentine's day went from being a day all about couples and love and romance to suddenly it being a day all about HIM!

Although it isn't really his fault (more his parents fault) because it is his birthday! So no more flowers or chocolate for me (he buy those at other times) February 14th is now all about my hubby.

Despite it seeming like a rant. I actually wanted to use my valuable blog space to say a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my gorgeous and wonderful husband.

It is worth missing out on Valentine's day just to have you in my life.

But if you were hoping for a rant here is a little one for you:

It bugs me that restaurants think it is ok to put their prices up by forcing you to have a "set menu" on Valentine's day. The one time that my hubby and I did actually go an a Valentine's day date (before we were married), the place we went too did this and also served us average tasting food which gave me food poisoning. 

Even though we generally do go out for dinner together for birthdays, now we always make sure that it is not Valentine's day when we go out for hubby's birthday.

End rant.

Whether you love to celebrate it, choose not too, or would rather it didn't exist, I hope that you have a fabulous day.

And hubby if you are reading (and you better be)......Happy Birthday!

Do you celebrate Valentine's day? What do you love or loathe about it?

How I Met My Hubby {I'm Thankful For}

My hubby is fantastic! Although, I didn’t always think he was fantastic....in fact the first time I met him I thought he was just an old man.

You see, we met at a church dinner, he was new and I was a 22 year old uni student. At the time I was enjoying being young and single and thought he (at 26) was really old. It didn’t help matters that he had a beard. To me, that just made him look older.

When he arrived at our church there was lots of talk about him. Most of the single girls were excited about the attractive, single guy who had arrived but not me. I just didn’t see it.

Things were a little different from his side. He was interested in me, but soon realised I was not the one for him when I started dating someone else.

In the year that followed we got to know each other really well. We started to lead a Bible study group together and would go out socially with our church friends.

Even when he shaved off his beard (and sparked more attention from some of the other girls) it still wasn’t there for me. I remember thinking “There is no way I would ever be interested in him”

But God has a funny sense of humour in my life. He likes it when I say “never” to him and in the months that followed something started to change.

We continued meeting to prepare for our Bible studies and we both went along to a Beach Mission (a camp where we run activities for kids/families in a beachside town). It was on that Beach mission that I started to see what a wonderful person he was.

Me and my gorgeous hubby.

If you are wondering what happened to the boyfriend....well he was still the boyfriend. However it didn’t take much longer for us to realise it wasn’t working out. He ended up dumping me. While I was sad I soon realised it was for the best.

About six weeks later, after spending lots more time with him, my hubby asked me out (it was quick because he thought someone else was going to ask me out). We dated for two years before getting married in August 2005.

We have been married for over seven years and I can still say he is my best friend. As corny as it sounds I love him more and more each day.

He is a wonderful husband who loves me and supports me (and my crazy ideas). We have shared the heart break of two miscarriages and the joy of three beautiful girls.

Today I want to say I am thankful for my husband.

How did you meet your husband? Was it love at first sight...or did he have a beard?? *

*I am sure beards look great on some men. I am just not into them.

 

Don't Talk Through the Sport News

I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago about listening and  improving listening skills. Recently I have been thinking about the importance of when we talk to make it easier for the listener.

I don’t know about you, but when I have something to say I want to say it straight away. I often launch into a big conversation with my husband after having thought about something important I want to discuss with him. He is generally pretty good with listening, but there are times when I get frustrated that he doesn't listen as well as I have hoped.

The problem isn't that he's not listening, but it is that I have chosen a bad time to try and talk to him. One of my clearest memories of poor communication timing in our early days of marriage was when we were watching the news. I will watch the beginning part of the news, then the sport news would come on and I would tune out and turn to Tim and start chatting away. He would be half listening and then I would get grumpy at him for not listening. It wasn't until a little while later that I realised he actually was most interested in the sport news and I was firstly distracting him from the news he had been waiting to hear, and secondly I was just choosing a really bad time to talk to him.

As nice as it would be for people to stop everything they are doing whenever we want to talk, it is unfair to expect people to listen when they are distracted. I have learnt (and am still learning) to choose my moments to have discussions with my husband if I really want him to listen.

I try not to bombard him with questions/issues as soon as he comes in the door, I wait until the sport news is over and I ask him to sit down with me if it is something really important.

I still get it wrong, but now I am a little more mindful of it and have frequently stopped myself from starting a conversation. It might mean waiting a few minutes, or even a few hours but it makes a difference in our communication and it helps us to love each other better.

Do you find yourself picking bad times to talk? 

Linking up with the lovely Jess from Essentially Jess for IBOT

Pre vs. Post Marriage Style: My Confessions

Before I was married I always tried hard to impress my husband. I almost always wore at least a little bit of make up, I dressed well and I generally looked after myself.

While I still try to look after myself when I leave the house when I am hanging out around the house it is a different story. I was thinking recently about what my husband may have imagined I would wear while at home before we got married (or even while we were on our honeymoon).

Did he think my sleepwear would include these homemade beauties?: 

I wonder if he guessed these would be my footwear for more than 6 months of the year (and that I would sometimes wear them outside the home)?

He had seen this jumper before we got married but I bet he thought it would be long gone by now:

He probably hoped he would see these socks again...the ones I stole off him before we were married (but maybe not worn in this attractive way):

I am pretty sure when he pictured me in the shower he did not imagine me in this:

Yes I do honestly wear this in the shower

And for some reason he still loves me and even finds me attractive.....love is (thankfully) blind.