Pretending That Everything is OK

On the weekend I sat in a cafe with a friend. We ordered yummy cakes and sat down to chat about what had been happening in our lives for the past two weeks.

I let her tell me things that had been going on in her life and I shared a little bit about our trip to Fiji and the conversation went on from there. Towards the end of the conversation she looked me in the eyes and said "You know you can tell me anything" (or something along those lines). Suddenly, I couldn't hold back the tears and I knew I could not get away with pretending everything was ok.

Previously in the conversation she had said to me that she often looks at me and thinks I have it all together. I guess it can seem like that. I have a happy marriage, happy kids, I study, I blog and I do all the things I need to at church. I am a pretty positive person, so I try not to complain too much about things. Her comment surprised me because I had held the opinion of myself that I am honest about my struggles. The whole reason for starting this blog was to share my struggles and be honest about where I fail to appreciate the blessings in my life. Her comment made me realise that in the past couple of months I had not been honest about what I was going through.

We really had a great time, but some of the time I just felt lonely

I think being the minister's wife is a position that can be difficult to balance. On one hand you want to be a good role model to peers and those who you lead. However on the other hand, it is vitally important that you are honest about the struggles you are having because that is actually a good model of how to live.

In recent weeks I had forgotten the second part. Something had changed inside of me and I knew I didn't want anyone to know. I had become discontent with my life, I was feeling lonely, I was feeling old and unlovable and I was trying to find fulfillment with the wrong things.

As I am pretty transparent, my closer friends could see something wasn't right but there was no way I was going to tell them the thoughts that were  going through my head. 

I'm not sure if you believe Satan exists but I do and there was an almost audible voice in my head telling me that I could never tell anyone. I thought I could handle it myself and things would get better. Things didn't get better, things got worse. Only ever in my head, but the discontentment was so strong.

Things had improved slightly before I met with my friend in the cafe. One night, not being able to hold it in anymore I confessed my struggles to a friend. She had encouraged me to talk to my husband and in doing that I immediately felted the burden lift. Somehow the thoughts lost their power. However, it was not long until I started to slowly spiral down again. This time though I was too ashamed to say that I was going through the same thing again. So I kept it to myself.

It was only in the cafe that what was going on in my head bubbled to the surface again, and while we might not have gone into details, letting a good friend see that I wasn't going so well was really helpful. My friend convinced me that I needed to talk to my husband again and I did.

It has only been in the last week (and after more conversations with my amazingly loving and supportive husband) have I felt I am myself again.  I am enjoying life and getting back into my relationship with God (because of course I didn't really want His input into my situation at the time).

Why do I share this with you? Well, because my friend (from the cafe) made me realise that I do create a picture of a perfect life. I honestly don't mean to but sometimes it is easier than sharing what is really going on. It is not always important to go into details, but telling some you are not coping is so important (and sometimes you need to tell them more than once).

Hopefully it can help even one person to see the benefits of telling others what is going on instead of trying to manage it yourself. Even if you have done something really stupid, don't keep it bottled up. Find a trusted friend or your partner and get some support. Or if it is really bad call Lifeline or a counselling service.

You are never too bad or too far from forgiveness.

Is there something that you are holding onto that you need to talk about?

Precious Moments {I'm Thankful For}

Since my eldest has started at the local preschool we have been walking to school together. Usually, we rush there pushing the pram with two or three of the kids in tow.

Yesterday, my middle girl was already at childcare, and my hubby was working from home so he could be with the baby while she slept. It left just Emily and I to walk to school.

We had left with enough time to take our time with the walk. It meant I could walk at her pace and just enjoy my time with her.

We chatted, we skipped, we jumped, we sang. It was lovely.

As we walked I noticed our shadow on the path. It showed a mother and daughter holding hands and enjoying each others company ( although a friend did she she looked like Darth Vader). I couldn't help myself and took a photo as I didn't want to forget the moment.

It made me realise how special that time was. I have been so blessed with this little person and I am so thankful to have her in my life.

I'm sure the rest of this week will rush past in a blur but I'm thankful for that 15 minutes I shared with Emily.

Do you walk your kids to school / childcare?

Friendships That Stand the Test of Time {I'm Thankful For}

Last night, I sat down to do some work on the computer when the phone rang. I hadn’t really felt very inspired to write anything for today so the phone call was a welcome distraction.

As I picked up my phone I looked at the screen, and was surprised to see it was my friend calling. I say surprised because, as much as we love each other, we are terrible at keeping in contact. 

The most wonderful thing about this particular friend is that, no matter how long it has been between phone calls or catch up, we just pick up where we left off.

Some of the wonderful friends I have

I have had friends in the past who, if I don’t call them for a few days they think I hate them. As much as I love those friends, it is hard to maintain a friendship with them. As I have grown older, had kids, moved, moved, and moved again it has been hard to keep up regular contact with some of my friends. I have found that the friendships that really last are the ones that pick up where they left off without anyone being upset (even if you haven’t talked in a year).

Facebook is great these days for keeping up to date with most people and I love it for that reason. However in the case of this particular friend she doesn’t use facebook. In some ways I wish she did (but her reasons are very good) but in other ways I actually like that we need to make the effort to talk and are not just relying on a few status updates here and there.

Last night talking with my friend reminded me of how special she is to me and the things that we have supported each other through. We met when we were in our (very) early twenties and now more than ten years later our friendship has survived the test of time (and everything else). I know that God brought her into my life for so many reasons and He continues to keep her in my life for many more.

Today (and everyday) I am thankful for my wonderful friend and for all the other wonderful friends I have (friends who I didn’t speak to last night...if you are wondering if I am talking about you...I am). I am so very blessed to have friendships with many wonderful women. I may see them every week,  only once a year or even less but as soon as we are together again it is like we were never apart.

I am thankful for that.

Have your friendships changed as you have grown older? What makes your closest friends so special?

My Three Little Princesses {I'm Thankful For}

 I wasn't going to write a post for today. Life has been pretty crazy and I am super tired but then I started to think about my three girls. As hard work as they can be, they are such an amazing blessing to my life.

This time five years ago I was wondering if we were ever going to have children, after 7 months of trying and one miscarriage. However, here I am five years later with three wonderful little girls.

There are so many things I love about my girls, here are some highlights:

• I love the way they play together. Whether it is shops, cooking or dancing, it is obvious they just love having one another around. 
• I love the way they comfort each other when they are in trouble or we can't get to them in time.
• I love the way I often find Emily in Claire's section of the childcare centre (usually in the sandpit) because they just love being together.
• I love the way their fights can be brutal, but are forgotten in an instant.
• I love (but it drives me crazy) that they often get up to mischief together.
• I love that they are often holding hands in the back seat of the car.
• I love that even though Alicia is still small they try to include her in their games.

Fighting over the box, feeding the baby chips, shopping and getting into mischief. 

I never had a sister, although I grew up next door to three gorgeous sisters who I still keep in contact with today (I love those girls). I love that my girls have each other now, but they will also have each other as they grow up. I was always scared that having three girls may mean payback for my terrible teenage years, times by three. However, as one very wise mother of three girls told me, my girls will have each other to help guide them through their teenage years. Instead of them just hearing me nag them, they will have two sisters supporting them and telling them when they are doing something stupid.

I am thankful for that.

Turning 33 {I'm Thankful For}

I remember when I was young, people would say "Enjoy being young..it is all downhill after 18 (or 21 or 30)". I remember thinking it was pretty negative way to be, and I was determined not to have that same outlook on life.

I can honestly say that with every year that has passed, my life gets better. I didn't really enjoy high school all that much so while my younger years were good, growing older (and wiser) has been fantastic.

With age, I have become more confident in my own skin. I know the things I am good at and I know my weaknesses. I don't fear the judgement of others as much and I trust my own ability to make decisions for myself and my family. 

Happy 7 years ago

Last Saturday I turned 33 and I love it. Sure, sometimes I do wish I was 20 again and had the freedom to go out late at night, travel the world or sleep in for as long as I like. However, I love that I can snuggle on the couch with my hubby watching a DVD, knowing the smiling faces of our kids will greet us in the morning. I wouldn't change that.

33 and even happier!

The first 33 years of my life have shown me that life can and does get better with each year that passes. I hope and pray that I feel the same way as I watch the decades pass.

How I Met My Hubby {I'm Thankful For}

My hubby is fantastic! Although, I didn’t always think he was fantastic....in fact the first time I met him I thought he was just an old man.

You see, we met at a church dinner, he was new and I was a 22 year old uni student. At the time I was enjoying being young and single and thought he (at 26) was really old. It didn’t help matters that he had a beard. To me, that just made him look older.

When he arrived at our church there was lots of talk about him. Most of the single girls were excited about the attractive, single guy who had arrived but not me. I just didn’t see it.

Things were a little different from his side. He was interested in me, but soon realised I was not the one for him when I started dating someone else.

In the year that followed we got to know each other really well. We started to lead a Bible study group together and would go out socially with our church friends.

Even when he shaved off his beard (and sparked more attention from some of the other girls) it still wasn’t there for me. I remember thinking “There is no way I would ever be interested in him”

But God has a funny sense of humour in my life. He likes it when I say “never” to him and in the months that followed something started to change.

We continued meeting to prepare for our Bible studies and we both went along to a Beach Mission (a camp where we run activities for kids/families in a beachside town). It was on that Beach mission that I started to see what a wonderful person he was.

Me and my gorgeous hubby.

If you are wondering what happened to the boyfriend....well he was still the boyfriend. However it didn’t take much longer for us to realise it wasn’t working out. He ended up dumping me. While I was sad I soon realised it was for the best.

About six weeks later, after spending lots more time with him, my hubby asked me out (it was quick because he thought someone else was going to ask me out). We dated for two years before getting married in August 2005.

We have been married for over seven years and I can still say he is my best friend. As corny as it sounds I love him more and more each day.

He is a wonderful husband who loves me and supports me (and my crazy ideas). We have shared the heart break of two miscarriages and the joy of three beautiful girls.

Today I want to say I am thankful for my husband.

How did you meet your husband? Was it love at first sight...or did he have a beard?? *

*I am sure beards look great on some men. I am just not into them.

 

I Once Was So Lost {I'm Thankful For}

I have seen lots of bloggers writing posts about what they are thankful for and I have decided that I would like to jump on the bandwagon.  I have so many things to be thankful for, and I am sure over the coming weeks I will reveal many of them to you. However I really want to start off by telling you what I am most thankful for.

It is kind of a long story, but I will keep it brief. You see, a long time ago the Lisa that I am now did not even exist. I know that sounds weird but stay with me. There was a Lisa, and I can find photos of her but despite the physical similarities, her heart was completely different. When I describe her to other people or even remember her myself it is hard to believe that person is actually me.

The Lisa that you meet today is a loving mum of three little girls, she is the wife of a church minister and she is a Christian. The Lisa from many years ago was the type of girl who wanted to experience everything, even things that would cause pain to her family and to herself.

She was involved in the rave scene (to the full extent), she would lie to her parents, get into cars with people she had never met and would have many boyfriends and didn't really care if she hurt them. She wasn't a Christian and was not even interested in what God thought of her life.

One day, after seeing the path her life was taking she stopped and decided she didn't want that life. She wanted to be married, to have a family and to be loved.

It was 1998 and I was 18 when I realised that I didn't want to be the old Lisa anymore. I looked into my heart and only saw negative things and I wanted them to be gone. I knew I couldn’t change myself, I needed help. That day, someone told me God loved me enough to forgive me for ignoring him all my life, and for doing the things I am even ashamed to admit. That day I decided to follow his ways, and that day I was totally free of all the things I had done. Sometimes I feel like the words below were written about my life:

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,    
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

This is what I am thankful for, that God has loved me and saved me from the path I was going down. I am thankful that through this, he has blessed me with my life, my family and my wonderful future. 

The blessings I did nothing to deserve.

Linking up with WeHeartLife for Thankful Thursday