You Are What You.....Watch/Read/Hear.

You have heard it said that you are what you eat, but I have been thinking recently about the impact of what I watch, read and hear. A couple of weeks ago, I shared with you the post Pretending everything is ok. It was at that time that I realised the importance of what I am allowing into my mind.

When I was going through what I am jokingly calling "my mid life crisis", my mind was consumed with thoughts of how  my life could be better. They mainly focused around being more attractive, being more successful, having a different life etc. These thoughts are not uncommon, but the amount and strength of them was becoming a problem.

Be careful what you see, hear and what you say.

I have been wondering where these type of thoughts come from. Why, when I have a great life, a happy marriage and wonderful kids was I so discontent? In the past few weeks I have made a very deliberate effort to turn away from the things that I was focusing on. In doing this, I have realised that I had been filling my mind with very unhelpful images, and messages.

Most of the things in themselves are not bad. One thing was watching make up tutorials on YouTube. Not one or two but lots (so many that my 4 year old now asks to watch them). I was constantly trying to make myself look younger, prettier, more attractive. There were also movies and T.V. shows that I would watch and imagine a different life. A life that didn't involve kids or a husband. In some ways that seemed appealing.

I'm not sure if others struggle with these things (maybe they don't even notice they do it). I think most of us wish we had the lives of celebrities, or the wealthy or those who seemingly have it more together than we do.  If our minds are constantly focusing on these things rather than the life we have been given, how will we ever be content.

I have realised that, for me it is a matter of making sure I am very careful about what's going into my mind. It means cutting back on make up tutorials, turning off T.V. shows that I know are not helpful, and not typing David Anders into Pinterest (ok that one isn't really a problem for me but he is my celebrity crush).

The most important thing I have found that helps is replacing the unhealthy stuff with good stuff. For me as a Christian it means reading the Bible and seeing what it has to say about the importance of family and my role as a wife and mum. I have also found that instead of listening to music at the gym, I listen to podcasts/talks about strengthening my marriage and family.

During my "mid life crisis" my mind was filled with so much discontentment. Just a few short weeks later I am seeing the wonderful (and completely undeserved) blessings I have in my life.  It takes work, but I am going to continue to be careful of what I watch, read and hear because it shapes who I am.

It has been a while since I linked up but I'm back linking up for:

Pretending That Everything is OK

On the weekend I sat in a cafe with a friend. We ordered yummy cakes and sat down to chat about what had been happening in our lives for the past two weeks.

I let her tell me things that had been going on in her life and I shared a little bit about our trip to Fiji and the conversation went on from there. Towards the end of the conversation she looked me in the eyes and said "You know you can tell me anything" (or something along those lines). Suddenly, I couldn't hold back the tears and I knew I could not get away with pretending everything was ok.

Previously in the conversation she had said to me that she often looks at me and thinks I have it all together. I guess it can seem like that. I have a happy marriage, happy kids, I study, I blog and I do all the things I need to at church. I am a pretty positive person, so I try not to complain too much about things. Her comment surprised me because I had held the opinion of myself that I am honest about my struggles. The whole reason for starting this blog was to share my struggles and be honest about where I fail to appreciate the blessings in my life. Her comment made me realise that in the past couple of months I had not been honest about what I was going through.

We really had a great time, but some of the time I just felt lonely

I think being the minister's wife is a position that can be difficult to balance. On one hand you want to be a good role model to peers and those who you lead. However on the other hand, it is vitally important that you are honest about the struggles you are having because that is actually a good model of how to live.

In recent weeks I had forgotten the second part. Something had changed inside of me and I knew I didn't want anyone to know. I had become discontent with my life, I was feeling lonely, I was feeling old and unlovable and I was trying to find fulfillment with the wrong things.

As I am pretty transparent, my closer friends could see something wasn't right but there was no way I was going to tell them the thoughts that were  going through my head. 

I'm not sure if you believe Satan exists but I do and there was an almost audible voice in my head telling me that I could never tell anyone. I thought I could handle it myself and things would get better. Things didn't get better, things got worse. Only ever in my head, but the discontentment was so strong.

Things had improved slightly before I met with my friend in the cafe. One night, not being able to hold it in anymore I confessed my struggles to a friend. She had encouraged me to talk to my husband and in doing that I immediately felted the burden lift. Somehow the thoughts lost their power. However, it was not long until I started to slowly spiral down again. This time though I was too ashamed to say that I was going through the same thing again. So I kept it to myself.

It was only in the cafe that what was going on in my head bubbled to the surface again, and while we might not have gone into details, letting a good friend see that I wasn't going so well was really helpful. My friend convinced me that I needed to talk to my husband again and I did.

It has only been in the last week (and after more conversations with my amazingly loving and supportive husband) have I felt I am myself again.  I am enjoying life and getting back into my relationship with God (because of course I didn't really want His input into my situation at the time).

Why do I share this with you? Well, because my friend (from the cafe) made me realise that I do create a picture of a perfect life. I honestly don't mean to but sometimes it is easier than sharing what is really going on. It is not always important to go into details, but telling some you are not coping is so important (and sometimes you need to tell them more than once).

Hopefully it can help even one person to see the benefits of telling others what is going on instead of trying to manage it yourself. Even if you have done something really stupid, don't keep it bottled up. Find a trusted friend or your partner and get some support. Or if it is really bad call Lifeline or a counselling service.

You are never too bad or too far from forgiveness.

Is there something that you are holding onto that you need to talk about?

Sometimes I think my kids don't like me

 Have you ever wondered whether your kids like you? I do, and it is something that I struggle with a lot. I think I am a pretty good mum most of the time. I tell my kids I love them all the time, I show them physical signs of affection, I do nice things with them and for them and they are fed and clothed. I do all these things for them but for some reason they act like they would rather not have me around.

Last night was a prime example. I was trying to get my two year old back to sleep (after she woke up with a dirty nappy). She wanted to come into our bed for a little bit so I took her in and we lay down. Suddenly she recoiled from me screaming "No Mummy! No! I don't want you!" I tried to comfort her but she was having none of it. My hubby came back in, picked her up and she settled back to sleep. I didn't say anything at the time but I was really hurt by it. If it was an isolated incident I wouldn't mind but it happens all the time. Of course the baby still loves me best, but I suspect as soon as I stop breastfeeding her it will end.

The big girls always want their Daddy

If my kids hurt themselves they rarely want mummy (unless I am the only one around). It is always "Not you Mummy, I want Daddy". Other times they have even gone to find comfort in my friends rather than me. I see other people whose kids ONLY want mummy and while I guess that would drive me crazy, I feel a little jealous. I want to be able to comfort them when they are sick or sad.

My hubby can see it and he really tries to get them to show me they love me, which I really appreciate. I often feel the need to tell him that I don't abuse them when he isn't around. I promise I don't. I love those kids more than I can express.

In some ways it is good. It means that I can share the load of caring for the kids with my hubby. He is a very hands on dad, and that means the world to me, and to the girls. It would be impossible for me to have them all wanting me all the time. Although, I do feel a bit sorry for him when they are all hanging off him because they love him sooooo much.

My precious girls

I do know my kids love me even if they don't always show it. I just have to make sure I cherish the cuddles and kisses when they come and keep showing them that my love is always there. And it reminds me of the way I often treat God and that His love for me remains constant even when I ignore Him. 

Do you ever feel your kids don't like you? Or are you the one they go to?

Linking up with Jess from Diary of a SAHM 

 

Do Adults Actually Share?: Trying to Model Sharing to Kids

A few days ago my kids were fighting over a toy. It was getting pretty heated so my husband decided to step in, telling the kids they really needed to learn to share. The situation calmed down and Claire (who is two) decided she was over the toy she had been wanting from Emily and looked over to my husband's phone. "I have Daddy's phone?" she asked to which he replied "No, Daddy is using his phone" and took the phone away. Normally I wouldn't think anything of it as we often take the phones away from the kids when we don't want them playing with them. However this time I couldn't help but laugh. My husband wasn't using the phone at the time, he just didn't want her to have it. He didn't want to share.

The situation reminded me of an episode of Olivia (a children's TV character), where Olivia is being taught to share by her parents and she (rightly) points out that adults really don't share their belongings. To illustrate this Olivia goes into an imagination scene where she sees her mother wanting to use her car and along comes someone who also wants to use the car. Olivia has to remind her mother to "Share" and the person drives off with the car.

This episode of Olivia is funny because it is true. Adults really don't have to share all that often. Most of the sharing that we are trained to do as kids is more about stopping the fights and learning how to act appropriately when someone has something that you want. Of course that training is very useful as it would be awful to see two adults biting and hitting each other when one wanted the other one persons car or phone (I am sure that has happened somewhere).

Sharing is such a funny concept, and something that I struggle to know how to train my kids in. Since I have been thinking about this topic, I have realised that I want my children to share not because it is the socially acceptable thing to do but from a loving and generous heart. That is a challenge for me too, as I do love to be generous to others but I still want to eat all the chips myself, or don't want to lend certain possessions to my friends in case I never see them again. I know my heart is often not loving and generous and therefore sometimes my actions do not model sharing to my girls.

So next time I am yelling at  encouraging my kids to share, I'm and going to tell myself the very same thing because actions speak so much louder than words.

How do you train your kids to share? 

Finding Support (& Friends) Online with Trying to Have a Baby

I remember when I was trying to conceive our first child, Emily, and struggling with miscarriages and the idea that we may not be able to have children I. It was made more difficult because we  didn’t want a whole lot of people to know we were trying to have a baby but I really needed to talk to someone about what I was going through.

I did have my husband, family members and friends who were supporting me but no one actually knew what I was going through and I didn’t want to annoy them every day with my worries.

One day when I was turning to Dr Google for advice I came across a website called Bellybelly.com.au. I found that there were various groups based on where you were at with your trying to conceive (TTC). I initially joined a group called TTC after miscarriage or loss and found I was warmly welcomed by a lovely group of ladies who had also suffered miscarriages and were looking for support as they continued along to rocky path of TTC.

I quickly picked up the lingo referring to my period as AF (Aunt Flo), writing POAS (Pee on a stick = Pregnancy test), calling my hubby DH (Dear Husband) and discussing or CM (Cervial Mucus) during the TWW (Two Week Wait).

With the help of my bellybelly.com.au girls I was able to share my fears, pick up hints on understanding my fertility and develop friendships with people I may not have otherwise met. We laughed with each other, we cried with each other, we cursed evil AF when she arrived and cheered when a second line appeared on a POAS test. It was heart breaking to hear that one of us miscarried again but we would regularly send someone off to the group we all wanted to join..the Belly Buddies group where pregnant mums with bubs due around the same date could chat about their pregnancies.

After Emily was born I kept up with a couple of the girls who are still facebook friends and it has been lovely to see their babies growing up. I didn’t join a group with Claire but with Alicia I decided to join as I had a big bleed and some abnormal scans and just felt that I need the support.

I am so glad that I did join up this time around. My Belly Buddies from my pregnancy with Alicia have been such a great support. With our babies are now nearing seven months old we are still keeping in contact via a facebook group where we can still share struggles, successes, photos, impulse buys and just about anything else that is on our minds. Some of us are mums three times over and others are new mums, but no one claims to know it all we are all battling through.

I was recently able to meet up in person with one of the girls from my group. She lives in Canberra and we were able to meet up for scones and tea. She was so lovely and we are planning to catch up again soon.

I have not been asked by anyone to post this I just wanted to share something that was great for me. If you are pregnant or trying to have a baby it is really worth checking out belly belly to gain support from like minded people.

Have you ever joined an internet forum group? Did you have a positive experience?

My Three Year Old is Holidaying Without Me

Yesterday I said goodbye to my three and a half year old daughter, leaving her to have a “holiday” with her Grandma for four nights. It is the first time I have left her for longer than just an overnight stay, and honestly I am pretty nervous about it.

To clarify, I am not at all nervous about leaving her with my mother in law. My MIL is fabulous and will look after Emily perfectly. Emily may get away with a more than she does at home, but that's what Grandma’s are supposed to do.

All packed and ready

I am also not all that worried about how little Em will cope, as she is pretty independent and we have already received a call where she was super excited about getting to spend the “whole day” playing with her cousin (who is exactly two weeks older).

Ready for cousin time

I am actually most concerned about how I will cope. She is my biggest girl, but she is also my baby. I love being about to be there to kiss her goodnight and I love seeing her smiling (and even grumpy) face in the morning. I just love knowing what she is doing throughout the day, and being able to share a funny moment with her and cuddle her when she cries.

It is also the protective mother part of me that worries that if anything happens to her I won’t be there. My imagination can sometimes run wild with fears of the things that could happen to my children. I have already imagined her having a car accident, being abducted, drowning... and being in a Tsunami (well, they are near the coast). 

Although I do have some crazy fears, I know in my heart that not only is she in the care of her wonderful Grandma, but she is also in the care of her loving heavenly father. As a Christian I trust that God is watching her and caring for her every second she is away from us. Of course, that does not mean nothing will ever happen to her, but I know I can trust God with His plan for her life.

On a less serious note, it was very funny on the way home when Claire (two years old), looked out the window and seeing the moon said “There's the moon, Em, Em......” then looking at Emily’s empty car seat “Where’s Em gone?”. My very unobservant toddler had been in the car for 10 minutes and had not even noticed her sister wasn’t there.

Here’s hoping I survive the next few nights. How old was your child when they had their first “holiday” away from you? How did you cope?

I Wish I Was a Better Mum

I have been suffering from some serious mother guilt this past week. 

It is nothing new really, it has just come up for me a lot this week because I really feel I am not making the effort to spend quality time with my eldest, Emily.

It is hard for me to admit this, but I want to share it with you so you know what I am going through. I fear that people will think I am a bad mother..but I also hope that maybe I am not alone with this struggle.

I am generally pretty good at taking my kids to morning events. Even though it can be hard to get the three of them out of the house I am still making the effort to go to playgroup and the park etc.

In the afternoons, Claire goes to sleep and baby Alicia is often asleep so in theory I should have some quality time with Emily.

The problem is instead of interacting with her, I pop the tv on to give myself a little break while I spend time on the computer. I often intend to do something with her but before I know it, a couple of hours has passed and Claire is awake again and our opportunity is lost.

I know it is ok to let her watch tv and of course it is fine for me to have a break but I know in my heart I am letting her down by not giving her at least some of the afternoon with my full attention.

She doesn't seem to care as long as I give her a cup of milk and a snack, but I see her mindlessly staring at that screen and it makes me sad. 

I love that kid so much but I am selfish and lazy.  I really want to change so I wanted to admit this publicly so I can't hide it.


In recent days I have been making more of an effort and it is amazing the change I see in her. She is better behaved and I know it is strengthening our relationship.


So I am going to keep trying, and even when I fail I am going to try again because I don't want to look back when she is a teenager and wish I had been a better mother.


Do you struggle to balance spending time with your kids and time for yourself?


 

One of THOSE days....

We should have known from the moment we woke up yesterday that it was going to be a bad day. Our eldest had vomited in her bed and then was sleeping in our bed making it difficult to get a proper sleep and causing grumpy parents. It went downhill from there with the following events occurring throughout our day:

• The baby vomited her whole feed onto me and herself.
• We battled to get two toddlers and a baby out the door with each taking a turn to have a tantrum or a cry.
• My husband lost his wallet somewhere at the shops (amazingly a Subway worker dropped it back to us at 8.30pm! There are good people in the world).
• While we were at the dentist the baby pooed all over her clothes which meant I had to change her on the floor of the waiting room while my children decided to take advantage of me being busy and remove cushions from the chair and jump all over them.
• We arrived home late and dinner took a while to cook leaving the kids hungry and grumpy and bedtime was pushed back to 7.30pm instead of 7pm.

There were so many tears,  so much snot (as kids are also sick) and lots of opportunities for my hubby and I to practice our patience with the kids (although we failed a lot in the patience department today). However despite it being a terrible day, as a friend of mine always says "No one died" , we still have our wonderful family, money to go to the shops, food on our table and so much more.

We always look forward to  my husband's day off so we can spend the day as a family, however more often than not it does not live up to our expectations. It is mainly because the kids drive us crazy which we know it is mostly our own fault as we don't give them enough attention while we are running around getting things done. At the end of the day we can't wait for them to go to bed. It is pretty sad really because they are great kids and we love them to bits. 

As I write this I am reminded of the theme of this blog....appreciating my undeserved blessings. My kids are blessings that I have not done anything to deserve and I want to appreciate everything about them. It is my attitude towards them that needs to change, not them. I need to learn to be patient with them and give them the attention they deserve.

Gorgeous little bundles of trouble

So today is a new day, with a new opportunity to show my kids how much they are loved and appreciated.

Do you struggle to appreciate your children? How do you show them how much they are appreciated and loved when they are driving you crazy?

Linking up with the wonderful Jess from Diary of a SAHM for IBOT

Part 2: The Beginning of the End...how it turned out.

As most of you already know I put my girls (3 years and 19months) into childcare for the first time on Thursday.I thought I would share with you how the day went.

We arrived at the centre at 9am (which was a little bit later than we normally will be dropping them off) to make it a shorter day. We dropped Emily (3 years) off in her room and she went straight for some puzzles set up on the table and seemed comfortable with us leaving. We then took Claire (19 months) into her room as she happily chatted and looked around, unaware of what was about to happen. As the carers approached her she became shy and clung to me,  so I sat her down and played with some toys for a while, telling her mummy had to leave soon. I could see that the carers were not really wanting me to hang around (and delay the inevitable) so I kissed her goodbye and started to leave. As I walked out the door I heard her cry "Mummmmmy!" it nearly broke my heart to leave her, knowing it was not just for an hour or two but for the whole day in such an unfamiliar place.

My very attractive children..no modeling careers here

The start of a sad day

I could feel the tears coming to my eyes as I walked out, I was hoping no one would talk to me or look at me as I was about to burst into tears. I had to go back through Emily's room to get back out so I said goodbye and got a distracted hug and then headed out the door. I didn't make it to the car before the tears started to flow and in the car I was free to let it out. I literally sobbed all the way home knowing that my little girl was in there crying for me but I was not able to comfort her.

By the time I got home I was ok but threw myself into housework until the house looked spotless. I actually smiled to myself as I looked around thinking, "Wow, it is going to stay this clean for at least FIVE hours". 

I called the centre at about 10.30am although I was not sure whether I should. I did not really feel I needed to, but I thought I should just check otherwise I would be a bad mother. As expected Emily was fine, but Claire was described as fragile, but better than she had been when I left. I did not really feel reassured but this but it was the message I was expecting to get.

I did quite well for the rest of the day. I had some uninterrupted computer time, caught up with a friend for coffee (uninterrupted), had an uninterrupted lunch and met with someone else...all uninterrupted. As hard as it was initially, the freedom I had and the things I was able to get done helped me to enjoy the day.

When the time came to pick them up we got Emily first. She had a lovely day, she was sitting next to another little girl and they were both putting their shoes on, and chatting away. We were told she had used to toilet, played nicely but did not eat much lunch and just rolled around during nap time (no real surprises there). 

Heading down to Claire's room we could see her through the window standing up while they kids were being read a story. We did not want to interrupt the story so we watched her for almost five minutes. I know this might be a strange thing to say but she looked different. The light had gone from her face and eyes. She was not sad but she was just not herself. She had a blank look on her face, and even though she was pointing to pictures and chatting about the story it just did not seem like my little Claire standing in front of me. She was just one of the others kids.

We were told that she had refused to eat anything (very unusual for Claire who eats her own food then gobbles up other people's food), and had been pretty sad until sleep time when she was given her special blanket and had a 2 hour nap. She had only been awake for an hour when we arrived and I guess she was just getting on with it but still feeling lost and sad. She didn't cry when she saw us but hugged me hard and said "home!".

While seeing her like this was really hard I know it will get easier for her and she will make friends and enjoy the activities that she gets to engage in while there. It wasn't an easy time for any of us but I wasn't first mum to experience this and thanks for all the wonderful comments on facebook and on this blog I know my experience is similar to others and am told it gets easier.

So now  I am actually looking forward to next week and the freedom I can have.....at least until this new baby arrives :)

The Beginning of the End

In a couple of days my two little girls are going to start childcare one day per week. We started thinking about childcare a year ago as we were looking into pre-school options for our eldest who is just turned three.  As government pre school does not start in Canberra until four years old we wanted something that would give her the stimulation she needed but would not cost us a million dollars or have me driving her back and forth to half day programs. We decided to look into childcare as we knew were eligible for a significant rebate from the government.

As it turned out it was quite a good option to put both the girls into care for one day giving me a day to myself to focus possibly on study, or church ministry and some blogging. Not long after we made this decision it turned out to be a time for me to spend 1:1 with our new baby (and maybe some blogging).

It all sounded lovely until I started to think about it as being the beginning of the end of my time with the girls at home. Then it made me feel really sad. Even though they can sometimes drive me crazy and I find it hard to get things done, I really love having them around. Call me crazy but I actually feel like I might be missing out on something when I am not around them.

We took them for a trial hour recently to see how they would go without us there. Emily (3 years) was basically fine although she did have a bit of a cry at one point, but my poor little Claire (who is 19 months) found it quite hard. We were told she would be okay and then cry for a little bit, then be ok then cry again. That was only for an hour.

I know next week when she stays for the whole day she is going to probably have the saddest day of her life so far and it breaks my heart to think about her being sad and me not being there to comfort her. It breaks my heart that she will just be another kid at the centre and she may not even be a kid that the carers have any affection for. 

I know each of us have a different view and experience of parenting but I think that what drives my parenting is the fact that for a while there it looked as though we may never experience parenthood following my miscarriages. I just want to soak up every last minute of my time with my gorgeous girls and experience the undeserved blessings that have been given to me. 

That said, I am very excited about the experiences my children will have in being placed in childcare. There centre is lovely, the carers are lovely and I know they will be able to engage in activities  we don't do at home and they will also make friends which they would not have made if they were at home.

My pain has been made easier by having some cute lunch bags from Mooo similar to this one

So this Thursday it begins, the start of the breaking some of the bonds I have created with my children but also beginning a journey which will ultimately help my girls become independent women. Of course the independent women part is still a VERY long way off and I know I have many more years to enjoy my girls.

How old were your children when they first spend whole days away from you (whether in childcare or some other activity)? How did you cope with it?

Wordless Wednesday - Pancakes at the Gym?!?

This was on the T.V. Screen of my bike at the gym the other day. It certainly was NOT helping my motivation.

Linking up with My Little Drummer Boys for Wordless Wednesday

Being Content "Just" Being a Mum

I know that there are lots of women out there who hate the idea of being "just" a mum. Of course no one is "just" a Mum. We mums wear a million different hats and are often working harder caring for our families than we ever did in our pre-kid occupations.

I am one of those strange people who actually like the idea of being "just" a mum. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that falling pregnant and keeping a baby was so difficult for us that to have actually given birth to a baby makes me feel like I have achieved something really special. I think it is also that I have am less concerned about what other people think of me in regard to my intelligence and achievements because I know that I have achieved many things in my life and raising my family is the most important thing I will ever do in my life.

 In my pre-kids days I had a few different careers. First I was a Hairdresser (which I guess I still am as I completed an apprenticeship), then I was (briefly) a Waitress while I was studying at uni, then I used my Psychology degree working as a Rehabilitation Consultant. However, many people I know could not tell you what I did before I had kids because I hardly talk about what I did before. I love being a mum and it is what defines my life now.

In the past when I was a Hairdresser I found it difficult when people thought that I "dropped out" of school because I could not handle it. I loved telling people that I was studying Psychology as they thought I was intelligent. Neither of these assumptions were true, in both cases I was just working hard at doing what I enjoyed. I think that these experiences made it easier to accept that people think of me as "just" a mum.

 Of course I do have things that I want to achieve in my life. Lots of my close friends will know that I am constantly struggling with wanting to complete further training to be a "real" Psychologist not just someone with a Psych degree. My poor husband has had to endure me regularly agonising over when is the right time to do it, and how I should go about doing it. I am sure I will do it one day,  but for now I am not willing to give up this time with my kids. Every time I have looked into doing it God has said "no" and I have realised it is not the right time. Whether it be realising the time commitment required, or recently when thought I might do it next year and then a little person was suddenly growing in my womb...the answer was another "no".

I think I am slowly learning that this time in my life is for raising my family. While having further training in Psychology would be great to have in order to be able to help people, the people who need me most are my kids. If I get to the end of my life I know that God is not going to care whether I became a Psychologist. He is only going to be concerned that did the best I could with the responsibilities he gave me and my kids are the most important of those responsibilities.

So for the next few years I am going to be "just" a mum....and I am going to love every moment of it!

Even moments when they do this!

I think I just learned something about parenting.

I have been reflecting recently on my relationship with my two and a half year old and wondering why things seem to have been a little easier between us. For a while, I am ashamed to admit,  I loved her but there was a lot of times I didn't really like her.  She was throwing tantrums, doing "naughty" things for no real reason, and worst of all.......she was refusing to sleep in the afternoon.

All mums would know that a baby or toddler's sleep time is like a taste of heaven on earth. It means rest, in the early days it might mean sleep for the weary mumma but most of the time it is a time of not having to clean up after, worry about, discipline, entertain  the little ones. I had it good for a while my baby and the toddler would sleep at the same time and I would get at least an hour of me time. Generally I would make a cup of tea, eat some chocolate (if it had been a rough morning) and watch T.V. It was lovely and I treasured that time even if I was rotting my brain (and possibly my soul) by watching "The Hills".

I can't remember how it started but she just decided that she did not want to be contained in her room (no matter what was offered), she would scream at the door until I let her out. For a while there I would go in and out but in the end I got so angry that I would let her scream herself to sleep at the door. Great parenting...you must be thinking. I just could not deal with her. Worse still, even though I had Claire in a port-a-cot in another room she was screaming so loud that I ended up with two little people awake. You can imagine how happy I was about that.

I just felt like I was becoming an angry mum. I was constantly yelling at her and as I said I was struggling to like her. My husband noticed that she was also quite hard to get to sleep at night time and he suggested that we just drop the sleep all together. This suggestion did not go down well at all. I felt angry (again) and felt like I was owed her sleep time. I felt I needed that time for myself and was not willing to give it up.

A couple of weeks passed, and Claire was woken up more regularly and sleep was less frequent and I begrudgingly began to see the wisdom of what my husband had said. So annoying when they are right :). So I gave up on trying to make her sleep and decided to let her watch a movie or T.V. so I can have a little "me" time and then I do something with her like cooking. It is lovely now as she asks me "Mummy, can we do Tooking while Tare sleeps" (-she replaces C's with T's). So we have something special that we do together.

So as I mentioned at the beginning things have been much better between us and the change has not been in her at all. She is still a little bratty toddler, trying to push the limits and gain independence. The change has been in me. Instead of demanding my "me" time and battling with her to get what I wanted I have let go of these things and worked to come to a compromise with her where she feels that she is loved and she is getting one on one time with me.

Our time together has been lovely recently. Instead of being totally a Daddy's girl, I am now getting lots more of hugs and kisses and she seems to be enjoying spending more time with me. I don't claim to have all the answers but I feel that I have learned that it is not about changing her but changing my expectations of her. She is only two and while disciple is really important, if what I am trying to make her do is more about me and what I want, rather than what will benefit her, then it is me that needs to change.

There is still so much more learning and growing to do as a parent but it is nice when I get something right.

I just love spending time with this girl

I want it, and I want it NOW!

 It was about 10:30pm a few nights ago and I was feeling tired and grumpy. For some reason I decided that buying something on the internet would make me feel happier, and was better for me than eating half a tub of ice cream.  I am pretty embarrassed to admit it but the item I bought was a cheese making kit. I justified it by saying that it would save us money in the long term but the reality was I just wanted to have it. 

I really wish it wasn’t true but I frequently struggle with materialism. It is far too frequent that I see something that I want and I keep thinking about it until I get it. Even the silly cheesemaking kit has been on my to-buy list since about February. I congratulate myself on waiting so long to buy it but the reality was I have been keeping it in the back of my mind to buy it as soon as there weren’t other things I wanted to buy more. There just always seems to be something I think I need whether it be new clothes, a new cookbook, fancy storage boxes or something else I feel I cannot live without.

Don’t get me wrong, it is not the buying things that concerns me as on the whole I am pretty good with money. It is what lies underneath, my motivation for thinking I need things to make me happier and thinking that life will be easier or better organised if I just have this one thing. It is also the sometimes consuming thoughts and daydreams about what I want to buy, combined with the frustration with the kids when they make it hard to get to the shops to buy the things I think I need. 

If you have ever read the Bible you might know the section that says don’t store up your treasures on earth where moths and rust destroy.  I really see the reality of this, as when I look back on the things I really wanted to buy and see the clothes I wore a few times and decided I didn’t like, or the appliance which doesn’t work as well as I had hoped and I realise that while these things are not bad in themselves they are not able to satisfy us. 

Just because I am a Christian does not mean I can’t shop or have nice things but if I think that these things will make life better (which I often do) then I am deceiving myself. The things that matter and make life better are the lasting things, my relationship with God, relationships with family and friends and even caring for people I don’t even know. 

I still don’t have the solution to stopping the desire for worthless material things consuming my thoughts. We try to be generous in giving towards our church, missionaries and our compassion sponsor child which at least means our money is committed to these things each week/month but I do wonder how much more generous I could be if I didn’t desire so many unnecessary things. 

I am truly thankful that I have a loving and patient God who knows how much I mess up in so many areas but has still chosen to forgive me and is changing me (despite my resistance) to be less selfish and more generous.

Is she starting early? I hope not!